Feel free to respond to any of my writings. I love hearing what people have to say. Just leave it in my ask box, and I will always respond. No HaTerZ please! <3
Sometimes its better to just…Not worry. I mean, everyone has their worries. Whether it be about themselves, their future, grades, their family members, or somebody else. Everyone has them. That’s a fact. But the more you worry. The more it drags you down into the dirt. Because worrying naturally causes stress. Which is a bitch. Everyone knows that. But if everyone would just worry abit less and just go with the flow. Wouldn’t we all be better off? I mean, yeah it doesn’t apply in all cases. For the most part though, it works. Worry less, have more fun, be happy. It sounds so easy, but why must it be so god damned hard?
As much as I may complain on here or make it seem like my life sucks or whatever..It could be allot worse. I can thank my friends for that. Maybe they aren’t close. But these motha fuckers be close to my heart. Been through allota shit with them. Some things together, and others on our own. But at the end of the day. We’re still there for each other. As some of you guys on here may know. I’m not close to my family and it’s pretty dysfunctional from my point of view. Despite all that. I have a different family. Some of em I’ve never even met in person, haha. But I’d take a bullet for any of em, and I would like to think they’d say the same about me. Because that’s what it’s about. You’re true friends are your family and nothing less. I’m grateful to have a select few that I would put into that category. Maybe we don’t always see eye to eye. Sure we’ve been through some shit, and maybe we don’t always know what to say at the right time. But we’re still there for each other to lean on and help get em back up. Shit, it’s hard to say where I’d be without some of these guys(the girls too :b). I won’t go there though. Long story short, this one goes out to any of the people have been there for me during the past 2 years or so. I love you guys from the bottom of my fucking heart. I know it’s been a rough road, and I realize some of us still have unpaved paths ahead, but that’s what friends are for. An hell, they’re fun to go off said path with sometimes too! (;
Love you guys <3
Your bro -Jake
I realize that I don’t get out much. In fact, besides work I don’t really interact with people other than my family at all. Which, even then isn’t the greatest interaction. But it would be interesting to have atleast one person take an effort to get to know me. Yeah, I realize I could take some initiative and do the same. I guess I’m just not made that way because I’m afraid people don’t want to know me. I guess that’s what high school tore me down to. It is what it is though. Not sure why I’ve been coming back on here and ranting lately either. I guess its easier to get thing out of tour mind when their actually going somewhere, instead of just going through your head over and over again. But hey, I’m definitely good at that too. Anyways, I should sleep. Goodnight everyone -Jake
A place to vent. I’m suddenly having the urge to just go on anon, and randomly vent to someone in their ask box. No I probably won’t. But just the idea of being able to get all of the shitty hings I’m bottling up off of my chest with no consequences and without that person being able to try to “help” me. I would like that. Since every time I vent on my blog, all of my followers and maybe few friends see it, and try to help. I don’t want help. Help gets you attached, and getting attached will inevitably leave you hurt, or wide open to getting hurt in the future..
I don’t know what’s up with me as of lately. Maybe it’s all of the long/non-stop hours at work, or maybe it’s just me being me. I’m not sure, but it seems like I’m continuously getting more and more unhappy. I feel like I’m to the point where I’m not even happy of who I am any more. Everything I do seems to be wrong for everyone else. I’m sorry that I can’t make everyone else happy. As much as I try, I fucking can’t. I can’t even make my self happy anymore. Yet I try to keep others happy as some kind of sick way to make up for my own unhappiness. Maybe it’s not as bad as a thing as I make it out to be. It could be worse I guess, but I don’t know. I’m starting to feel lost again. My thoughts are getting darker, and so is my outlook. No matter how hard I try to keep upbeat, it just doesn’t work. I know I’ve been through worse before. The difference is that I had people there for me who I trusted and who I knew trusted me. Now…I can only wish that I still had that. Maybe it’s my fault that I don’t anymore. Who am I kidding, I’m sure its my fault. Everything else is. Or I always bend things enough in my mind, to convince myself that it is. I don’t even know what is up, down, left or right anymore. I don’t even believe myself anymore. Nobody should. I’m never fucking okay. It’s a ploy and sometimes I seriously wish someone would tell me to shut the fuck up and tell them the truth. But it won’t happen. Nobody knows me, or reads me well enough. And for those who do, the majority know that I won’t open up. I don’t even know why I’m still writing this. It’s all over the place, and for anyone who actually read up until this point. I apologize…
I’m starting to realize that, when doctors or whoever say that the more someone sleeps, the more likely they are to be depressed or feel alone. When in reality. Those people who are depressed and feel alone, sleep to escape that feeling. Or simply just to run and avoid it and feel better when they awake. I guess that’s me..
Something needs to change.
I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where no one understands me in my life. Even if they understand where I’m coming from, it’s like they don’t understand my reasoning. Or they just completely don’t get me. I can’t help but to let my mind wonder and get the feeling that there isn’t anyone who can truly understand me. Its moments like these that I was I wasn’t so complex and over-analytical. I mean really though. I can’t help but feel lost some times. I mean it’s a crazy ass world and yet, its like no one is on the same page as me. I just want someone who can actually understand me and not look at me like I’m a lunatic for thinking what I do. In whatever sense it may be. *sigh* I need a change, and I don’t currently have the money or resources to make it. I need to get out of this state, and just go. But the haunting thought that I’ll be even more alone than I already am now, scares me….I’m tired of feeling alone. I just want to feel loved, damnit.
Okay, so I just found out this morning from my brother. That his mom is taking him this weekend (which is technically my dad’s weekend), to the Dells. I’m pretty fucking sure she asked no one if it was okay. Because this Sunday just so happens to be my birthday. Ever since I get this job, I’ve had like no life and no time to spend with my family. After this weekend, I’ll have worked about 12 days straight and damn near 100 hours in those 12 days. My first fucking day off after all of that just happens to be my birthday. And you’re going to pull this shit? I’m fucking pissed. AND SHE JUST TOOK HIM TO THE FUCKING DELLS A MONTH AGO. Not to mention, I guess they’re going agin for his bday. Like wdf? It must be nice to have that kinda money to blow. Err should I say some nice plastic to put it on, and pay interest on it for the rest of your god damned life. Dumb bitch. I’m sick of her taking dvantage of my dad. She just fucking does what she wants with the schedule. As pissed off as it makes him, he says and does fucking nothing. This is not fucking kool and ain’t gonna fucking happen. I’m sure my bro will prolly hate me if he can’t go because I bitch though. So there is no fucking winning when you have a spoiled 8 year old bro, with a bitch of a mom. FML. No wait…Fuck that bitch. >.<
My chest is heavy, my throat is tight. Thoughts racing through my head. Why must all of my nights end like this as of lately? Why can’t just one person who’s important to me, make me feel like I’m just as important back. Is it really that much to ask for someone to actually give a fuck about me? Yeah I say I’m fine, why? Because most people are going through a hell of a lot more than I currently am now. I don’t need or want those people’s pitty. I’d sooner try to help them and just maybe get an once of satisfaction knowing that I helped make someone’s day abit brighter. But that doesn’t work for me. I don’t believe people unless they know me. Lately, nobody knows me. That’s a fact. Hell, I don’t even think I know myself anymore. And that’s hard. I don’t know what I’m doing as of lately. I just need one friend to call my bluff, to tell me I’m not okay. Or maybe even someone to actually make me feel like I’m worth something. That I’m special even. Yeah its sad, but I need that. I need someone in my life so that I can make them feel special. Without that, my life is incomplete and thus so am I.
Prove it to me..
Ugh, I just can’t take shit anymore. I can’t let myself get this damn tired, because I always become miserable. Both in feeling and probably to be around. For that I apologize for, but I’m sure no one reads these stupid rants and thoughts I put on here anyways. Then again I don’t blame you. Fuck. I’m sick of thinking. The thought never goes away, like. Why can’t I just have one fucking person to go to? That I actually trust, I know they’d do the same for me, and I knew they actually would care. I had that. In two people actually, but one basically told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. The other.. We’ve been so distant in the last couple months that it almost feels the same. I just wanna fucking go back to the old days. When everyone got along and we were like, no, Fuck that. We WERE a fucking family. Just want that back. The feeling of multiple people to go to. Because now….I second guess myself if I even have one friend who I can go to. Atleast without feeling like I’m bothering them or annoying the shit out of them. People say they care, but fuck. I wish I was worth enough for someone to a actually prove it to me.
I can’t shake the feeling that nobody really gives a fuck about me. Atleast not anyone who I can trust. Maybe nobody ever did. Maybe it was just an act. Or maybe I’m just this cynical asshole that over analyzes everything and thinks everyone hates him. Fuck who knows. Who knows why I put myself through shit like this every night and torture myself until I finally fall asleep. I hate this shit and I honestly starting to think that I hate myself and my life again. Fucking awesome. The one thing there’s no escaping from. Your own fucking mind.
I wish alcohol was never fucking invented, created, discovered, or whatever people did to initially make it. It makes people so fucking stupid and my dad never knows when to stop. I wish he’d just get a fucking DUI it something. For someone who does it on average of 3-4 times a week, since he was prolly my age. I think he’s more than fucking deserving. Some people never know when to grow the fuck up.
I’m starting to scare myself again…
I feel like I’m in the same backwards spiral that I was in over a year ago. Like fuck. I don’t even know what to do. I wish I wasn’t so god damn hypocritical and could actually take my own damn advice. But yeah, that would be too damn easy, wouldn’t it? I have no reason to be in this shitty of a mood. I had a good day, went down to Milwaukee shopping. Nothing bad happened all day. And here I sit contemplating why I’m even here. For those of you who’ve been through similar shit.. You know exactly what I mean by that. Why can’t I just be the happy-go-lucky fuck that everyone thinks that I am? Things would be so much damn easier. Instead of this depressed miserable fuck that I’m turning back into. FUCK. I don’t want that again. I’m so fucking sick of being alone. If I actually felt like I had someone here, even a friend. That would make things so much different that it’s sad. I can’t remember last time I actually had a friend that I could actually go places with, do stuff, and just hang out…It’s seriously been like. Like 6th grade was the last time I had a friend from around here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met quite afew people online that I’ve been close too. But…In some aspects, it just isn’t the same. Why can’t I just be fucking happy?
My Thoughts On Religion
Okay, I’m not one to hide my personal beliefs. On the other hand, I’m not one to argue against others unless they do the same to me first. But I really don’t get why it’s such a big deal. The only people it should mean anything to, would be you and maybe a significant other. Because if you don’t believe the same things. It may be kind of hard o to relate…To say the least. Today my mother started talking about religion and about praying and such. I simply said, “I’m not religious.” Then she snapped back with “You better not tell me that you’re atheist!” With an attitude. To which I said no I’m not, because I don’t like the rep the word has, nor the word itself. I’m simply not religious. After I said that, she proceeded to tell me a story about how she once, jokingly told her mother that she was “atheist”. She said that after she told her that she threw her hands up and started crying asking her what she did wrong. Like really, why is ones beliefs such a big deal to others. It’s no different today than one’s orientation or color. Yes, you can argue that it is a choice. But once you’re older you will believe what you want. There’s no reason to be shamed or disowned because of it. It’s simply ridiculous.
I believe that as a person you will get farther in life by simply believing that YOU can do whatever you want. Not by saying that a “greater being” will help you along the way. There are presumably thousands of religions throughout the world. All of each claims to be the “correct” or only right one. So what makes yours right and everyone else’s wrong, if they all claim to be right? My point is. Instead of arguing the origin of the world and the birth of Christ or whatever. Why not just look at it like. You’re here, the world is here. Why bother about how it got here and became what it is. Live your life for you instead of trying to please someone or something that in my opinion probably doesn’t even exist. If there is a greater deity or what have you, and he wants to punish me for being as good of a person as I can be just for that. To be a good and decent person. Not to get to some paradise after death, or to be born again into a greater life than I have now. If you want to punish me for that and send me to hell or whatever else it may be? Then i say do it. Because I’d sooner live my life like this, than being as hateful as some of the religious people and their family’s are today.
Why can’t people be more respectful of other people’s beliefs? Isn’t it easier to just accept them and whatever their belief’s may be? Instead of just shaming them and sitting on a high horse feeling like you’re better than said person, like so many people seem to do. I mean now days it seems so many people are throwing it out there with all the stuff you see now. But if you say you don’t believe what the general population does. You’re wrong and looked down on. Personally, I love discussing the topic to see other’s points of views. But there doesn’t seem to be much of a point unless you know the person thinks similar to you. Because everytime I state a fact or make a reference, I end up pissing the other person off because I’m right. Yes, I was Lutheran for many years and even went to a private school that taught such. Which I truely think is what turned me off to it. You can get any little kid to believe whatever you want, if you repeat it and raise them around it. Religion should be something introduced when they are of age and have actually developed free thinking. Because at that young of an age, it should be avoided in my eyes. It’s almost like brainwashing, you pound it into their head for years and that’s all they’re going to believe. Give them the freedom to do what they want when they’re old enough to decide.
I just wish people would think about their kids instead of trying to model them after themselves. But I’m done ranting now. If anyone wants to discuss this or anything similar, feel free to message me. (: No hate please, and please don’t try to change my beliefs. As I have not tried to do that to anybody reading this, lol. If you read ALL of this, I thank you and have a nice day. <3 (:
Anybody can look good if they find their niche.
This is kind of random, but after looking at myself after getting ready for work. I realized something….Okay, I’ll be honest here. Back in high school I use to dress like a schmuck. I wasn’t big into clothes or really caring about what I wore or how it made me look. Ever since I’ve been out of school I’ve started caring more about just looking nice, and presentable if you will. I mean just about anyone can look like shit if you don’t keep up your hygiene and atleast dress in decent clothes that fit you. Like when I go to work, I wear old/shitty everything. I’m a cook and if you wear it in the kitchen, you will get grease on it now matter what. Odds are it will never look like it once did. But after looking at myself, I realized…This is essentially the same type of stuff I wore in high school. Now I’m finally starting to realize how much I’ve changed. I’m not trying to say I dress great or just look that good in my normal clothes. But I do feel a hell of a lot more confident in them. Even though confidence shouldn’t be based on material things. When you in your head picture the majority of other people wearing what you are and not looking so good. May e its time for a change, ya know? Anybody can look great if they find the right attire. But if you continue to wear things that just do nothing for you. That’s what they are, not for you, lol.
Recently I’ve kind of distanced myself from…Well everybody who I don’t physically see in person on a regular bases. Which really is nothing new. I usually know when I’m doing it. Just to see who makes the effort to talk to me when I don’t talk to them. Now even after almost 2 weeks, some of the people I use to be closest to, hardly respond to me. I honestly feel like I’m a chore for them to talk to me. I realize maybe I’m just an old friend or whatever I may be to them. But fuck I miss the old days when we were all close as fuck and like a family. Now the majority of them hardly even take part in a conversation I start with them. I understand people are busy and have lives. But it sure fucking sucks when it seems like you care about people a hell of a lot more than they apparently do you. Even with friends, that fucking sucks. And people wonder why I’m paranoid when I get close to people. Because I always end up needing them a hell of a lot more than they need me. Everybody fucking leaves. EVERYONE. As much as I want to say that I don’t fucking care and that it doesn’t bother me. Yeah it does, and that shit hurts. That’s the part that fucking gets me. No wonder why I feel like I don’t matter. I try to be there for everyone else, but when it stops reciprocating is when it all goes bad. The fact that they probably don’t even notice doesn’t help either. Just fuck it all right now. I was perfectly fine until I fucking wrote this. Just proves when ya tell yourself the truth, that it fucking hurts.
Red (seven insecurities): acne (slightly on my face, chest, and shoulders), my big nose, my weight, pale skin, greasy hair, cheesy smile, and my lack of an ass….lmfao Orange (six fears): Spiders, clowns, monkeys, the thought of never being good enough for anyone, my family finding out why I dropped out of school, and never finding a place where I’ll be happy. Yellow (5 turn ons): A kind heart, beautiful eyes, short girls :b , similar taste in music, and most importantly intelligence (not like the nerdy kind, but the ability to take part in an intellectual conversation is just asdfghjkl;. Green (four life goals): Never get divorced from the first girl I (hopefully) marry, find a place away from here to call home, find a way to make a difference in the world…whatever it may be. Lastly as uptight as it may sound, I want to stay sober from now on. That’s a decision I made last year that I want to stick with for moral reasons. Violet (one thing I love): Since it’s phrased as a “thing”, I’m going to say music. Because it’s gotten me through so much shit and it may just be the one thing that keeps me sane at times.
And thanks for actually asking me these. Some of them made me think, and I like that. (:
My “High School Experience”
Okay, so I know we all get those random deep thoughts while we’re taking a shower. But I started thinking about a conversation I had here on tumblr with a follower of mine I do believe (I don’t remember who, sorry). But she made a remark at one of my comments on how I said I didn’t have the “greatest high school experience”. Which I really didn’t take to heart, but I didn’t bother explaining my meaning either. Her comment was something to the effect of “Did any of us?” Which is a typical response I know. But I started thinking about it and it kinda flashed me back all the way to elementary school. See, I was never what anyone I went to school with would call a “normal kid” and I’m talking back in elementary here. I went to a Lutheran school from pre-school through 5th grade. I was always seen as the outsider. I never went to church. I was left out and kind of a laughing stock I guess you could say. I hated it there, I mean honestly I was too young to understand it. It’s like I was use to it.
Come 6th grade I ended up in a public school. I was excited about the change, but I was shy. Possibly after all of the stuff I went through at my last school, I don’t know. My parents never knew anything of what all went down at the private school to this day, just that I didn’t like it. But anyway, my middle school experience wasn’t too bad. Slightly worse in 8th grade maybe, but I’d been through worse.
Come high school is when everything changed. I’m not quite sure what happened or changed but in my first 2 years or so of high school, it’s like I was all of a sudden hated by everyone. I started getting into fights just to defend myself and try to get people to leave me alone. Then I ended up trying to start fights over everything, because I was sick of being fucked with on a daily basis.
My Jr year honestly sucked. That was when it got even worse. I was basically afraid to walk through the halls. Not because I’ve getting beat-up. I could defend myself just fine. But that’s when rumors started swirling around me. Anything that was said just to get me going, because they knew it would. Everyday was miserable. I hated going to school, I hated the people. I just wanted to be done. I never went to get help from the school, parents, or anyone. Hell I had no friends and I was too proud to come down and say I needed help. Plus I knew that would probably just make things worse for me in the ling run.
When my senior year finally came. Things got even worse. There was rumors, verbal insults everywhere. I felt lost, like I had nobody. I knew I was truly in school alone. People went out of there way to make my life hell. Even the Jrs who were chummy with some seniors started in. I felt that I couldn’t win. I started to starve myself that November I wanna say. I felt ugly, fat, ashamed, and mostly just like a failure. There were so many people that disliked me in that school, but most have them never even took the time to have an actual conversation with me. It killed my confidence, and honestly I didn’t realize this until far after. But school because an anxiety for me. I would have mental breakdowns some days just because I didn’t want to go. I was depressed, anorexic, and suicidal. I lost about 40 pounds in a matter of 5 months. I honestly looked worse then than I did when I had eaten. I was weak, pale, and moody. Yet nobody knew. In total I missed 80 days my senior year. I averaged probably 2 hours of sleep most of the nights before I would go. I often would come home early after first or second period just to leave. I always blamed it on my stomach, back, or my newly acquired acid re-flux do to me eating no more than a small bowl of cereal a day. I was fading away. I can’t count how many time I wanted to just end it and pull the trigger. I had a few good friends that live hundreds of miles away who honestly saved my life. I was living for them, which when you’re only living for others. It’s a miserable existence to say the least. I wasn’t able to grad with my class due to the many days that I missed (over 80 full school days worth). I was forced into summer school which wasn’t bad I suppose. But the feeling of being a failure was there and it honestly hurt. I ended up storming out do to a fight with a teacher that I couldn’t stand and I vowed that I would not go back. Yeah it was a stubborn and hardheaded move, but that’s me and how I am.
After going through all of that and not even coming out with the damn sheet of paper that it was all for. The feeling sucked, let me tell you. But honestly it was worth it. I do regret not finishing it. Because I currently have to jump through hoops now to get my HSED. But I’ll do it despite the hoops. But the moral of all of this that I’m sure next to no one read. Was that just because most people will say that they didn’t have a good “high school experience”. Some still had it worse than others, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that many have had it worse than me. Many of them you may have read about sadly, in the obituaries.
People have no right to talk about things that they have never experienced.
I was sitting in the trap house tonight because I went along with my dad. After they were done shooting, we were some of the last people there and somehow the topic of suicide got brought up by the bartender. I hate arguing with ignorant people. So I kept my mouth shut. Plus I didn’t wanna go into it with my family around. Moral of the story is. The bartender was going on about how if you’re suicidal, it is YOUR fault, and that you should have done something to change it before you get that far. Which sounds logical and easy if you’ve never been there. But fuckeneh, I’ve been there and know that feeling. It’s a feeling that you can’t understand unless you have straight up been there. Contemplated who it would effect and if it truly is worth hurting those around you. Sat up late at night wishing I could just end it all with now spider-web of effect on who else it would harm. I don’t just mean for a day or even a week. I did this for months. Thinking that not one person in this damned town liked me. Hell I honestly still feel that way, but ya know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna be here forever, so why let those people be the death of me? Literally. My point is, this guy was just ranting on how if someone he knew, killed themselves. “They should be damned if they think I’m going to their funeral.” I was so close to going off. Honestly, if anyone of my friends or anyone were to do that. The funeral isn’t even so much for them anymore. It really is for the family in my opinion. After going through that. The least you can do is be supportive and try to help them get through it. I just don’t understand some people….Like really?
I seriously need a hug or something….
I think I’m the most irrational and temperamental dude there is when I’m tired. I really wish I had someone to just hold tight and put me at ease or something. I’m sick of feeling like I’m in shit alone. Because no matter how many people tell me they care or that I have them. It just doesn’t help me. I’m not sure if that makes me cold or what. But when something bugs me, that’s it. There isn’t much that’s gonna take my mind off of it, or change how I feel about it. Although listening to the Man On the Moon 2 album prolly isn’t helping for shit. Oh well. Good music is good music….Even if it is depressing as fuck.
People come and go, but there’s always the select few that you wish you would be able to bring back, or try to fix whatever may have happened. I mean, as much as I’ve been on the internet in different places over the past 3 years or so I believe its been. I’ve met so many people. A number of them I had gotten close to. Some of them left or drifted away, and others have even completely changed…for the worse. Yet there is always those select few people who have been with me through thick and thin. I honestly can’t thank them enough for sticking with me. But, I can’t stop thinking about some of the people who I no longer talk to. I mean, I think we all have that. Just one of those people who were basically like family. Then eventually things just go south. Whoever’s fault it may be. In the case that’s bugging me, mainly mine. I can’t help to think of what I might have been able to say or do so that we would have been able to work things out. I mean, I’ve been through worse with people I’ve been just as close to. We are still great friends to this day. I realize I can’t change how I may have acted or the things I might have said that were wrong. But the feeling in the back of my head, that if I just had another shot. That I just might be able to send things right. I mean, shit just isn’t right when you still visualize someone as family in your eyes. When you know that you probably wouldn’t be alive this hey day, if it hadn’t have been for them. That’s just rough on me. But they’re just…gone. Some people might say to move on and forget about it. I’m just not able to do that. Not after alla that. I mean after all. Just because people aren’t entirely the same and might be totally different. Doesn’t mean they still aren’t family. And fuckeneh do I sure miss my old family. :/
Makeup & Confidence
“dear boys who say “girls don’t need to wear makeup to cover up”
they are covering up their insecurities
who planted those insecurities
your species did by calling them ugly or making comparisons
so if you’re gonna be stupid and say that like just shut the fuck up ok”
Okay, now by calling us ignorant, this statement is as ignorant as they come. Yes, there are guys who are idiots and make girls feel like shit. But you don’t think girls don’t do that to guys as well? Or girls to girls and guys to guys?? Its a vicious fucking circle, but blaming “our species” and placing us all into one category is ridiculous. Because there are guys who genuinely don’t like it when girls where makeup. My view is that I’m not going to paste my face full of gunk, regardless if I have acne and acne scars. So why should anyone else feel that they have to do it? And for the record, self-confidence is way more attractive than any amount of makeup, clothes, or whatever else will make you. Even if its harder to obtain than just buying it. So girls, keep your heads up and just keep smiling.
I’m so sick of hearing my dad talk about our Chicago trip. Mainly because all he ever says, is “I had a huge culture shock. We are most definitely the minority down there.” Then just goes on and on about it and how whoever he’s talking to wouldn’t like it. Like for real, why is it such a big deal? NOT EVERYONE IS WHITE. God, I’m so glad I’m not as brainwashed from living around here as the majority of my family is. I’m sorry but can’t you just enjoy the trip? It’s not my fault you’re not use to anything but white people and that you have to look down on them for no damn good reason. For real, get out of your comfort zone abit and atleast give people a chance. Not every white person is a good person. Just because someone is black doesn’t mean that they’re dangerous. Because someone is Hispanic does not mean that they are illegal. And because someone wears a turban on their head does not mean that they are are terrorist or hate our country. Fucking educate yourselves god damnit.
I can’t believe how fast this weekend went. :/
Ugh, I don’t want to leave tomorrow. I’ve been down here for 3 full days and I feel like it was just yesterday that i got here. Everything is so different…Some things good and some bad, but damn. It’s just the fact that it’s different. That and downtown Chicago is amazing and nothing at all like downtown Milwaukee. Can I just stay here for a month or something? Then take me to Cali. Cali seems nice. Give me a beach too please. Maybe a nice girlfriend and a palm tree sunset to go with that beach? Yes, that sounds good. Lets go with that.
Oh and the fact that I actually got to hang out one of my best friends for a couple days. :3 Been too damn long, I swear. Wish I lived a tad bit closer….But regardless it was still awesome coming down and being able to chill with her for abit. Also getting to meet her gf! (: All in all it was a great time and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Although I would leave my family at home next time. It’s too damn hard to sleep in a hotel with my dad snoring like a chainsaw in the other bed right next to me. ._.
Officially unfollowing everyone I see constantly promoting themselves/others on my dash. No matter how much I may like your blog. I’m sick of this shit. Like for real, this place has just become about being famous. What happened about just having a place to vent and express yourself? I’m sick of seeing the hate and everything that is coming with it. Why does it matter how many people follow you? Sure I’m happy every time I gain new followers. But it’s becoming a contest now. Like what’s the point? Tumblr should be about meeting people like you and expressing yourself and being able to put all of your thoughts out there. So the people who like similar things/what you do can follow and talk to you if they wish. Not hoarding followers and hating on other blogs for whatever reason. I wish people would realize this instead of promoting it. Damn.
The past. Thoughts and rambles.
I miss the old days…When it actually seemed like I had friends. I mean they were my friends, I knew it, they knew it. Maybe no one around here did, but that’s fine. Just the feeling that brought. Having people who you cared dearly about, actually generally care about you. I miss that. Because lately…Not even lately. Everyone leaves. I’ve been so close to so many people through the past 3 years. Fuck in that time I’ve prolly had 4 different “best friends” or people I was closest to for the longest time. I miss that, because as of now….I hardly talk to any of them anymore. Or even when I try I get nothing back. Some are busy, I get that. But that makes me want reach out even less, because I feel like an annoyance. I realize people have lives and I don’t want to wear out my welcome….I know they’re still there and that they care. It’s not that. It’s just not the same I guess, I don’t know anymore. There’s been others who have just walked out. That still kills me that I let it happen, but I don’t know how to fix that anymore as much as I want to. And others….Have simply vanished, don’t talk, text, nothing. I miss having people to talk to, to lean on, and most importantly to have fun with. I mean, fuck. It’s hard to be happy when all you really have is yourself. I’m not the kind of person who will just open up to someone. And I don’t just want “someone to talk to”. Not gonna lie, that makes me feel pathetic, I’m not out for people’s pitty. That just ain’t me.
Maybe I’m not the easiest to make friends with just because of that fact. I’ve met so many fake people growing up, had so many people I care about just leave me in the dust. That’s shits tough for me. I tend to take people for a grain of salt when they ask me what’s wrong. Which yes makes me a fucked up hypocrite when I do sincerely ask people what’s wrong…But it’s me. I do care about people, I just don’t expect most to care back. It’s hard to tear down walls that took you so long to build, to keep people out…Of my thoughts and my head. A place lately I wish I could keep out of myself. I think too damn much. Not just about negative things, but about everything. Why people think what they do, religion, music, lyrics, everything. My mind never stops, and I’m the one who suffers for it. I just need an off switch, just to power down and reboot I guess you could say. Get everything going back the way it should be. But then again. I guess we all wish we had that.
I’ve been thinking
And I’m sick of this repetition. My entire life as of right now is just a massive repetition, it’s sickening. Wake up, do basically nothing all day, chill with the fam the days that they’re around and or that I don’t have to work. Which seems to be like never, now. Then when they go to bed, here I sit in my room until 1 or 2 AM just doing nothing. Rinse and repeat and another week is gone. I hate this, I need to get out and away from here. But before I can do that I got other shit I need to do, which I know is on me. Like I need my fucking license, so I can get a better job instead of the one I have now. Which seems to be a bigger joke every week that I work there. I want change. I realize that I have to change my ways first to make anything happen, but damn. I can’t live like this. I need to meet new people and actually make some damn friends. Because it seems I have less and less everyday. That’s probably my fault as well, but I don’t know what to do about that now. Other than how that one day, some how. The real one’s some how come back and realize that I am sorry. Aside from that, I just need a social life, because I not only lack one. It’s non-existent. I mean…Living in this town doesn’t help. I hate knowing everyone, and even the people I don’t know, know me through school or from my dad/family. And the people I do know from school…Make me not want to go anywhere in this town just simply because they made my life a living hell for 4 years and for some even more. I need a new start, but I don’t know where to go. I mean, I know I have to start somewhere, but where? Apart of me wants to just set myself a goal to save a certain amount of cash, and just pack up and leave once I get it. But…At the same time, I’m not sure if I could do it. As much as I’d like to just go off and do my own thing. The one thing I think I’d regret, is leaving my bro. I mean we aren’t all that close since he is only like 8. But I know how his mother and my dad are. I don’t want him turning out like either of them. So I’m kind of stumped on what to do there. But I know I need to get out of here, and get outta this slump of loneliness and depression like state I’ve been in for the past 3 weeks or so. I needa pull myself back up on my own, because I mean…When ya think about it. The only one you’ve got from the day you’re born, till the day you inevitably pass on…Is you.
Dazed and Confused
I don’t know what’s been up with me the last few days…When everyone asks how I’m doing I say good, alright, or maybe even great. For the most part it’s the truth. But I have so much shit going on in my head…Some past demons, some worries, and allot of confusion. Which I only really feel in the mornings and at night. The weird part of it all is, I don’t know how to explain any of it or even who to explain it to. Even when people think I’ve explained it. They only know part of it, because the majority of it I don’t even know how to put into words.
I know this may sound like some of the stuff I was posting in the middle of last year…I assure you that it’s nothing like that. I just need to get my head in the right place. Which I’ll prolly have to do on my own, but that’s alright. It’ll all come in time I guess.
So I met this girl…
Back in the middle of November I think it was. I didn’t think much of it…We messaged back and forth afew times on tumblr. Then later that month I got caught up with moving and kind of neglected my tumblr. After just getting back into my tumblr again, like a month ago. I messaged the same girl again not thinking any more of it than talking to another follower. Although the messaging picked up about two weeks or so ago. Eventually we both agreed that this tumblr messaging thing really wasn’t working for us, lol. So I gave her my number and we started texting…
Ever since that night, I’m pretty sure we’ve texted almost all day, every day since. Which also turned into nightly calls. Which I honestly love…She doesn’t even have to say anything to make me smile. I love it. The thing is, we’ve both been through allot. Her more than me for sure as far as relationships and such go. I know deep down she’s scared, and I am too. Afraid of being led on and hurt again…I know she’s been mistreated and she’s been through enough. She didn’t deserve it, and deserves to be treated like what she is, a beautiful and amazing girl. I would kill to be the one to be there and treat her like she deserves to be.
I wish I could be the one to hold her when she’s down. Be her shoulder to cry on, and promise her everything would be okay. Be there to cuddle with her while we all of the Shrek an Lion King movies in one day and do nothing but hold her tight, smile, and laugh. Go go-karting with her and take her to the movies. To eventually run away with her to someplace warm with an ocean and we could just, be…I want that more than anything right now to be honest.
I don’t know a ton about her. I mean I guess I know quite abit and same goes for her about me. But I want to be one of those people to her, that she can just tell anything to, and vice versa. I love telling people about…Well, me. Just everything I’ve been through and all of that. Because I know that even if there are some things that I don’t like to talk about. The person listening will have a deeper understanding of myself, and why I am how I am. Which is the exact reason why I love hearing other people’s stories.
I mean, It’s too early to say what’s going to happen. But fact is that she never fails to make me smile. Whether it be on Skype while we’re on cam and I get to see her cute face, or actually see her adorable laugh…Or when we’re texting each other, and I can’t wait to read her response no matter what the conversation is about. I always get butterflies reading what she has to say. Especially when she says something super adorable. <3 I’ve never really had that and had it reciprocate back. Where I actually did feel genuinely wanted.
Yes, we might live 13 hours away. I probably wouldn’t get to actually meet her face to face until summer…But even now, only really knowing and talking to her for two weeks or so. I firmly believe that she’s worth it and I wish she would think the same about herself. I mean…She went to bed about an hour ago and I’m still thinking about her. I have lost sleep over her…Just sitting her and wishing I could be there with her. In the risk of sounding cliche because I just watched Soul Surfer for the first time today…”I don’t need easy, I just need possible.”
Allot on my mind
Do ya ever just have them days where it seems like everyone turns into a preacher? Mainly my parents, but damn. It’s like I know I have things to do, but they expect them all done at once. When that’s probably not even feasible. Alright…I know I really need my GED, my driver’s license, a car, and a new job. But God, brings it all up at once and having it thrown in my face twice in one day? It’s not like I don’t want these things. What’s standing in front of the GED, and another/better job is my license and a car. I can afford a car if need be. But my problem is the license. Yeah, I’m 18, and should be able to test out of the shit no problems, no questions asked. But honestly. Driving scares the shit out of me. Which might sound sad, or odd. But I can’t help it. It’s a confidence issue I guess you could say. Yeah, my physical confidence has skyrocketed and I honestly feel really good about myself and my body. But with the things I do, I still don’t have that. Like at work, and well driving. I don’t trust myself at all. I don’t know why, but I just have this dumb feeling in the back of me head, that I’m going to fuck it up. And when you have that feeling about driving a car or truck…It’s kind of serious. Thing is, no one around here knows, and I honestly don’t want to tell anyone. I guess I’m kind of ashamed of it, because it’s just something that is to be taken for granted. I’ve been lying to my dad for months, telling him that I’ve been reading the driver’s test book it whatever it’s called. It’s the shit like that, that overwhelms me, I don’t know why, but it just has that effect on me. Which is kind of sad. Because I HATE being afraid of things…Yet when I find I fear that I have no choice but to eventually over come, what do I do? Avoid it like the fucking plague. I don’t even make sense to myself anymore.
Being Beautiful (A response to a post about how can “good looking” people tell everyone that they are beautiful.)
Okay, maybe this is true, BUT those people are beautiful on the outside. I do happen to think that everyone is beautiful. I don’t have a 6 pack with perfect skin, and a perfect tan. But I’m me. I believe that I’m a beautiful person…On the inside. Am I saying that I am ugly? No, not at all. I’m simply saying that seeing those types of guys on tumblr or anywhere else, doesn’t make me jealous. When I do tell people that they are beautiful, I do mean on the inside. Regardless of their looks. Because I wouldn’t be talking to them more than likely if they weren’t atleast a somewhat decent person in my eyes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I can promise there is someone out there, no matter what or how you look. That can appreciate you. Every flaw and imperfection. Because that is what people are. Hundreds of imperfections, bound together with good…or bad intentions. So stop stressing, be confident, and be you. (: -Jake
My biggest fear…
I think my biggest fear is that I’ll never make something out of myself. That I’ll never be able to prove those people wrong. The people I went to school with, who think they know me, and hell even my family. I just feel that everyone looks at me like I’m garbage. I know I’ve made afew…Allot of bad decisions already at this point in my life. But I have my reasons, and just because I’ve made afew bad decisions, that meansnothing. Yeah, maybe I’ve made things harder for myself. But I’m bound and fucking determined to do something with my life. I don’t know what or how. Whether it be changing someone’s life, or changing the world. I don’t know how, but Iwill do something amazing with my life. Maybe I do sound like every other fuck up trying to spite everyone who doubted them in life, but just watch. Somehow, someway…
I’ll do it.
Well, I was thinking about this for awhile before I started writing it. I mean…After all of the long e-mails between me and Nhung, allot came out as in how we’ve affected each other, and learned from one another. Although I’m sure it’s come up between us, I really don’t think I ever went into it. I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to touch on everything I’ve learned from you to be honest.
Honestly sis, when I say I don’t know where I would be without you. I guess maybe even a more correct statement would be “I don’t know who I would be.” We all have people that effect our life in certain ways. But you’ve done even more than that. I know one of the things I touched on awhile back, was when I first had the whole conflict between you and Ashley. Which I’m actually glad happened. It made me realize the shit that other people go through, and not everyone fits in to certain stereotypes. Before that, I honestly thought people who cut were crazy I guess. That’s a bad way to phrase it, but I never really was close to anyone who I know have self harmed, and it was before I was at my worst you could say…I know this may have more to do with Ashley than you to a point. But you were the one that made me realize that. From looking back on that, then to how I think now. I honestly feel ignorant. But you were one of the people that changed that completely.
Going off of that, I’ll go back to when you fist came out to me… September of 2010. When we talked that night, and you told me. You mentioned the fact that you remember me saying afew weeks before that I was a homophobe. Yeah, you know I was. More so with towards gay guys than girls (yeah I guess that was me being a typical guy). But honestly…It wasn’t because I thought that two girls being together is sexy or something. I won’t say it isn’t, but that wasn’t my state of thinking when I thought about it. It was like kind of the “I like girls, so why can’t other girls like each other?” Which still I admit is being ignorant. But, after I thought about it. I was like, wow I’m being such a hypocrite…If girls can love and be with girls, why is it wrong for guys to do the same? It honestly really doesn’t bother me anymore, if I’m talking to someone and randomly find out that they are gay. Although, I will admit if that’s all I know about a dude I prolly would be a little awkward. But that’s just me being an awkward person. There’s no reason why someone can’t fall for anyone, and through you, and later on through Nhung too. I’ve realized that. Another thing that kind of ties into this, is I use to use the word “gay” ALLOT. When you came out to me, I actually felt so bad just for that aspect. I was like damn, I feel like an ass…Even if it wasn’t intended to be like that, I still realize how it is translated when it’s said. Even if it didn’t have hate behind it, I still felt bad. But yeah, after you came out to me, I cut back on that allot. Not only in respect of you, but just that’s kind of when I realized it was wrong. Even if you never did say anything about it.
Another thing you taught me, maybe without even knowing it, was really to just be myself. Maybe you’ve noticed that, and maybe you haven’t, I’m not sure. But one of the things I remember you saying awhile back was “I remember I use to try so hard to fit in. Now it’s the opposite.” Or something to that effect. Regardless, I’ve thought about that allot. I don’t even remember when you said it. but it’s stuck with me ever since. I honestly feel the same. I’m just me, and if people don’t like it, then oh well. It’s better than pretending to be something that I am not. You’re the main person that made me realize that. Maybe it’s because in some aspects we went through similar things with that. Different, but at the same time…very similar.
Coming off the last paragraph, I find it fit to only say this. Suzie, whether you know it or not. You are honestly one of the most inspirational people I know. You’ve been through allot of shit, allot of it I know I don’t know about. Knowing what I do know. You’ve been to the lowest of the low, and dealt with so much more shit than you deserved. But looking at the way you are now. It really is inspiring. You’re story to me atleast really does make me sit back and go wow. Even if it isn’t over. You’re one of the key people that got me through my depression. Even if you know that, I want to say it anyway. Because really, the tough love is what opened my eyes. You’re a fucking amazing person, sis. Even if not everyone may know it. You should know that you are. After knowing you for the past year and a half or so. You’ve changed my life so fucking much I can’t even believe it myself.
I know there is so much I could probably put into this. But these are the main things I have taken with me, just with knowing you. And I do really want to say that it has been a pleasure to be able to meet and get to know you Sue. I know we’ve had our rough spots. But any real friendship has that. If you come back from it, I guess that just shows it was real, and not just for show, or for the good times. I mean it when I say I love you sis. Seriously like the little sister I never had. Even if you are younger than me, I’ve learned so much from you…I can’t even say home much I appreciate you being there for me sis. For real and from the heart sis. <3
PS: Yes I teared up like a mofo while typing this. T_T ….Still am.
Looking back now, everything just seems so weird. I mean, Im not even close to being the same person I was in high-school. I cant help but think that if I may have found myself earlier, things may have went and ended far differently. But, if they had, would I still have became friends with some of the people I would now say I’m closest to? I don’t know if I can answer that, but I would assume I probably wouldn’t. So to that, will say that everything happens for a reason. No matter how good or bad, there is a reason for everything…Or in my eyes atleast. I mean through out high-school…I really was just a lost and broken boy trying to fit into a town where no one was really like me. I honestly don’t think I knew who I was. I was just that kid trying to get by. Trying to avoid the bullies (which really seemed to be everyone). But honestly, at that time I felt like I was one of the most hated people in the school. I do kind of wish I knew why. I mean, what’s worse than feeling hated by EVERYONE, and not even having a clue as to why. But I will say…I am glad that I went through ALL of that. Because had I been “popular” and actually fit in. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be the same person I am today. I mean, maybe people thought I wasn’t “normal” in their eyes. But fuck being normal, it’s just some stupid ideal that people invent that varies from place to place. Fuck, I’m weird and I know I am. I’m proud of it, because I can promise you that I’m far more interesting than any of the people who gave me grief in school. No I don’t need to party every weekend, or go and get high, or sneak out of my house. But I can actually sit down with just about anyone and if they make an effort, carry a conversation without judging them. I honestly never met anyone I could do that with in high-school. I always felt like I was being judged. Well, mainly because I was.
I still can’t believe how I was back then though. How I use to dress just floors me. Because I would never dress like that now. I’m not sure if I did it to try and fit in with everyone else, or I just changed that much. I can’t help to think that things may have been different, if I had just been myself. Not trying to hang out with people I even knew at the time weren’t my friends. But I guess because I felt that alone, I just took the ridicule to just be around people. Even if that does sound sad. Because that put me through so much shit. I honestly never had one true friend to fall back on. Everyone who said they were, were really just using me for something. Which, at the time I guess I was use to it. So I never really thought about it.
One other thing though that bugs me…Where would I be at now, if I actually had some confidence in myself back then? I honestly had 0. It was taken away from me by every one. Although now I would say it’s something that you can’t take from me. Back then things were different. I was shy, still am. But I honestly had an anxiety of talking to girls. Especially the ones I kind of liked. Even though I never really had a high-school crush, which sounds amazingly weird. But I just wasn’t in to anyone, and I felt that even if I was, I had no chance, so why bother? I know that was a shitty lookout on the topic at the time. But that’s what happens when you have no self-esteem. Everyone knew it….They knew that they could raddle my cage with almost any insult. After about my Sophomore year, I ended up getting the the point where I just wouldn’t care who said what. I wanted to fight everyone. It didn’t matter the insult, whether I was called gay for my lack of a girlfriend, or called useless, worthless, a failure…You can imagine the rest. But I didn’t care. I guess at that time, it was me trying to take on the world. I obviously couldn’t do it alone. I kind of wonder what would happen if the people I wanted to fight actually would have. Because everyone was all talk. I really didn’t care. You wanna talk shit? Okay, lets go. If they would have beat me up, atleast I would have stood for something. Instead of just sitting there and taking it. Even though, now…I honestly wouldn’t act that way. Let the haters hate, unless they’re gonna do something about it, ya know?
Back to what I was saying though. It’s really weird looking back and seeing myself. I was a loner. I still am in this town. But I know now that I do have atleast afew people who do care about me, and I love em to death. Even if they aren’t close, their still close to my heart. I mean, growing up I never had that. Friends on a personal level. I think I really had one friend growing up. As much as we hung out or whatever, we never really talked like that. Granted maybe it was simply because we were so young. It’s kind of hard to have friends like that when I wasn’t even in 6th grade yet at the time. Now that I have it, I’m thankful. Although it does make me wonder how many circumstances had to work out just right that we all met. Because when I look back, everything that led up to it was a freak accident….From where I sit now, maybe the best accident I’ve ever had.
But to some this up…If this sounds like you, whether you’re in school still or out. Stand back and think “Is this really me?” Are you just trying to fit in, or actually being an individual? For the sake of yourself and humanity. BE YOURSELFDress how you want, listen to music that you like and actually means something to you, hang out with people you like, not ones that are “popular” so you just might be accepted by them. Be weird, don’t worry about what people think. You might lose afew of your “friends” in the process. But I promise you, that the people you will gain by actually being yourself are the ones who will more than likely stick with you and actually be just that, friends.
PS: This here goes out to all of the people that did give me hell. All of the way from first grade at my private Christian school, up until my Senior year in high-school. You may have tried to break me. But ya know what? I’m still here, I know who I am, who my friends are, and most importantly, who are not. Now can you all say the same? I doubt it.
All hope LostPeople continue to piss me off. I swear, no one has any morals or standards anymore. I seriously pisses me off. I mean if someone is going out with someone. They shouldn’t be off fucking someone else, and telling the person that they’re screwing, that they’re gonna break up with their partner “in the next few days”. No wonder why people are afraid to trust others and let them in. Even though this has nothing directly to do with me. It’s just like what the fuck? Constantly hearing about shit like this just makes me lose hope in people.
My FriendWell, after having a talk with my friend about how people react to the situations they are put in. I mentioned how it really says allot about the person. Then she mentioned that, that made her wonder what I thought of her…I went into it a little. But I’m gonna take a crack at it, and go a little more in depth. First of all, I’ll start with what I’ve already covered. You are a pretty complicated person (not saying that’s bad). But there are many sides to you, lol. By now I would have thought to have seen most of em. Good and bad. But you are abit hard on yourself with many things that are out of your control. I’ve kinda noticed that from day one though. With your whole family situation, and just other things you you just simply can not control. Although you are a very caring person to the people who you do genuinely care about such as friends, family, and even people who you feel may need you at the given moment. As for the people you don’t care about, simply put you really don’t care about them. But one of the more important points, you are a very proud person. You don’t really like seeking help from people. Or bothering them outright with your problems. Like…You don’t like it when people see you when you’re down. You often times put on a smile just to brighten up other people moods and for the time being you seem happy. On to the things I haven’t really touched on…You don’t really know what you’re going to do with your life. But you want to make something of your self and be a positive change in the world. You want to make something of yourself. You just aren’t quite sure what, or how. Also, you are extremely smart. Maybe too much for your own good. xD But on a serious note. You’re very smart, even though you didn’t always apply yourself in school. It never was really something that was important to you. But now you want to fix it, before its too late, so you can actually have a shot at doing something in your future. Even though you, yourself aren’t positive right now on what that will be. Another thing is that you use to be extremely picky on who you let in. To actually get to know you. I’m guessing out of fear of being fucked over or taken advantage of. You are completely different around the people who you feel comfortable with and trust. As opposed to people who you do not really know, or who you do not find trustworthy. Last but not least, you’re an amazing friend. Basically put, you would do anything to help the people you are close to, who do the same for you. (: Lastly…You’ve been through a lot of shit in your life. Allot of bad things, and I’m sure I don’t even know the majority of them. But they explain why you are how you are, and the things you believe in. We all have that. But it molds us all into how we are and how we see things. I think in a way its kind of you who taught me that. Even though this isn’t completely relevant. I wanted to throw this in here anyway. I mean honestly, if I sit down, and thought about this. I could go on for a long ass time. But Ima sum it up here. After actually writing and thinking about this. I kinda understand why we can relate so much. Because allot of these same things describe me as well. Or I think that they do? Idunno, I’ll let you be the judge of that sis. <3 -JakeySchoolThere are better things to worry about in life than school. I don’t need a letter from the beginning of the alphabet to tell me that I know things, or that I’m smart. I’ve been judged because I didn’t have those, because I don’t have a silly sheet of paper. It really is meaningless. It only means something to the people that worked hard for it. But in the end there are others that didn’t work hard for it, and they have the exact same piece of paper. That doesn’t mean that both kinds are smart…So not having the piece of paper doesn’t mean said person isn’t smart either. I had allot worse things to deal with in school other than tests and grades. I guess that’s why I just didn’t care.
When will it happen?It seems like as hard as I try…I just can’t do it at night. During the day I am totally fine, in a great mood even for the most part. But at night…It’s just like this loneliness comes over me out of nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing like it use to be…But I still hate it. Fuck, I wish I wasn’t so god damn shy. I could actually go out and have friends in my real life. But nopeee. That’s way too much for me. I hate being like this…Trapped in this small town. I don’t know a soul. Fuck I’m 18 and have never even had a girlfriend. Even I find that pretty damn sad. But it’s like what am I supposed to do? I suck at meeting new people. I’m just not comfortable because I always feel like I’m being judged. Even though I could give a fuck about what people think about me. Which contradicts itself, so I don’t even know anymore. But I really wish I could just find a girl that will put up with my shyness until I am comfortable with them. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon…So I guess here I sit.
My JourneyWell, lately I have noticed I haven’t really gained any followers. I’ve lost afew, but that’s okay…When I sat back and thought about it. I kinda figured out why. When I first made my tumblr, I was…Well, extremely depressed at some points. If any of you have been following me from the start you may know that. But now…I feel so much, well not ever better. Although I am, but I just feel different.
About five or six months ago or so. I remember not being able to sleep, I’d be up until 4 or even 5am some days. I just couldn’t sleep. Thinking about every mistake I made. Telling myself how useless I truly thought I was, and the reasons for it. Basically thinking and debating about just being done with it all, every night. Then when I had to be up at 6, I remember binging to music for an hour or 2 before I had to walk to school. When it was that time, I would walk…Head down, not caring if I was late or not. Then I would walk into class afew minutes late, get the normal preaching to. After that I would sleep. It didn’t matter what class. It was just a way for me to pass the time. I didn’t have any friends. The people I would hang out with usually didn’t like me. Why? I don’t know…Kinda the story of my life. But I just remember doing anything to pass the time and to try and ignore everyone.
Those people tried to make my life a living hell. And i will say, to a point the succeeded. BUT, looking back…I’m glad I didn’t give in, that made me who I am now. I do know how people deserve to be treated, and it taught me not to judge people based on their looks or what you hear about them. No one deserves that, I’ve been there. Everyone deserves a chance…You might just be surprised if you give them that.
But what I’m getting at with this long rant is…I’m not the same person i was 6 months ago. My blog has changed with me. And I respect those of you who don’t care for it now. But I am happy with myself, and if my blog reflects that? Then so be it. I may have my moments, but I no longer think in that way. And just remember, your past makes you who you are. If you are happy with your beliefs, then maybe you should just look at your worst moments, and be glad you had them. But if anyone ever needs anything, whether you follow me or not. I’ll always be here for anyone of you. I truly mean it. <3
ConflictedI seriously wish I had someone to hug me and just tell me that everything would be okay. Someone I could actually believe…Because I seriously need that right about now. Too bad I don’t see that happening any time soon. Guess I gotta make the best of what I got. Which right now sounds like it might be getting a hell of a lot worse before things start to look up. As much as it kills me to say it, I’m scared.
I hate caring so much.Nobody ever listens to me. No matter how much I try to help…I can fucking pour my heart out and not even get a response. I fucking hate how much I care. But I can’t help it, god damnit. I care way too much about some people that prolly could I’ve a fuck about me allot of times. What am I supposed to do? Just stop caring? I don’t foresee that happening anytime soon. I just hate how everyone gets so down on themselves, and they think their life is bad (I’ve been there, do the same from time to time). And when I’m like that, people who try to help can be irritating as hell. But they’re usually right. Listen to them. Atleast hear them out…They didn’t have to take the time to try and help you, and if they did even after you’ve purposely ignored them. Odds are they do care about you…Don’t ignore those people. Because they might just be fighting the same feels you’re going through. Ever thought that’s why they might care?
Hip-Hop Saved My Life -Lupe FiascoSo I was listening to Pandora earlier (still am). When this song came on, which I have listened to numerous times. But then the title got me thinking…I’m not sure if I can actually say it saved my life, then again I can’t say it hasn’t either. But I will say it’s changed my way of thinking and made me allot of who I am. There are certain songs that make me think. One of those songs is Encore -Eminem ft. Dre, and 50. One of Eminem’s lines goes…
“See we’ve swam through the sharks, wrestled with aligators, smoked through a generation of angry teenagers. Whom if it wasn’t for rap, to bridge the gap, may have been raised to be racist.”
Every time this song comes up on playlist, and I hear that line…It always makes me think “Ya know, who would I be if I never found this music?” Because looking at my family and everyone else around here…I don’t want to be like them. The majority of them are ignorant who claim they’re not racist. But look down of everyone but those who are white…I hate it. If I was like that, it just makes me sick. Then I get made fun of for the music that I listen to? Just no. My music has made me allot of who I am. Music reaches me sometimes in a way that people can’t. Just looking at the artists, and seeing what they came from, and where they are today. If they can do it, why can’t you or I do/become something amazing ourselves?
FUCKJust fuck, seriously. I hate that I get into these moods…Not like the “Kill me now.” kind of thing…I’m not going back to that. But just not even knowing how to feel. It’s liked I’m walking through life dazed and confused. It’s like I don’t know anything, other than that I just want to be left alone unless I choose to talk to you. And if I don’t, I don’t mean anything by it. I’m not mad, or you shouldn;t be offended. Sometimes there are just certain people you want to talk to and be left alone by the rest. I can’t explain it, it just is.
I get inot a state of mind that just doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what I want…to do, eat, anything. Like I wanted to listen to music, put my headphones on and looked through my library…Not one song I wanted to listen to. I took them off and was just like wow, what’s the matter with me? I’m not sure what brings this on though. Like it’s just been like this all day. I took a nap at like noon after waking up at like 9:30. I woke up in a puddle of tears after my nap. I don’t even remember the dream. It’s just been a fucked up day.
Even as confused and out of it as I am, I still try to help people that I care about. But I always seem to get no where. I don’t know if it’s a me thing or what. It’s like reaching out to a drowning person, but they refuse to take your hand for whatever reason. Then you just sit there and watch them drown…Fuck that’s hard to do. I can’t just stop caring about people. I care too easily and too much. Sometimes I hate it, I really do. Because it brings me down knowing I can’t do anything to help even when I try my fucking damnedest. I don’t know what to do anymore.But I know I can’t stop trying.*sigh*
Ever have one of those days?Where you just wake up and feel so alone…The nights are no better, but it’s just like crippling to me sometimes. I mean there is nothing wrong with being single. It’s just the mindset you have I guess. I’m sick of feeling alone…And I don’t mean the feeling that I have no one to talk to or anything. I have friends, but I guess I just want something more than that. Someone who I feel actually needs me/wants me there. Someone who I can send good morning/goodnight texts to. A girl who I can just talk about things with and not feel I have to hold anything in. I mean, I know good relationships don’t just start over night, but damn I wish I had one. Because this empty feeling, it sucks. It’s kinda like a part of me is missing in a sense (as tacky as that sounds). It gets ever worse at night when I’m alone…It’s just like I want someone to hold and make them feel safe. I’ve never had that…..Ever. Which I guess just makes me want it that much more. But it always seems to be in the back of my mind. Maybe I should stop looking, and then I’ll find it. But if I stop I feel as if I gave up…I’m not giving up.
A girl…As much as I hate to say this…I feel like I need someone in my life. Not someone just as a friend. I may not have many, but the ones I have are irreplaceable. But I need something more than just someone to go to with my problems or to have fun with. I want someone who I can be myself with and not feel I’m being judged. Someone who I can cuddle with, just lay on the couch all day and watch movies. Someone who I can go places with and just be together. Whether it be a mall, a park, or even the movies. In all, I just want a girl who I can make happy. Because I feel that’s one of the only things I need to be happy. In all, I’m okay with who I am, I’m glad I have the friends I have…But there’s just that one missing aspect. I mean, I know someone is out there for me. I honestly don’t care where she is, because I would go to where ever it may be to be…happy. -Jake
Don’t Judge MeI could just lay down and cry right now….Sounds pathetic, but I’m so fucking sick of people judging me THINKING they know me. Everything I’ve done in my life whether good or bad, it was for a reason. Who the fuck are you or anyone else to judge my unknown reasons? And then you ask why? They are unknown to you for a reason. Odds are you don’t need to know. I have my skeletons let me keep them in my closet. They don’t need to be in a display case for the whole world to see. Maybe some people may know them. But keep in mind I would undoubtedly take a bullet for said people.
Self-imageI really wish people could just see how good they really are…Not in a cocky way, but just so that they had the confidence/self-esteem that they deserve. Everyone deserves to be happy, because honestly…I wish living a depressed life on no one.
Dear followers/whomever may read this.It’s sad for me to see almost everyone one here obsessing seemingly either over their image, or other things that are just depressing (cutting, self harm, suicide, etc). Now I am not hating by any means I am just saying that dwelling on things isn’t going to make things any better. Trust me I’ve been there, we all have. but when you start seeing that you can be happier by trying to beat the problem, it makes you want to get past and through it that much more.
I mean just this weekend…My two best/closest friends really opened my eyes. That moping around about being lonely and have no friends in my real life, isn’t going to help/change anything. It’s just going to push people away that much more. You have to make the best of what you got. Because if you can’t make the best of what you have now. How can you truly ever be happy otherwise?
Now to anyone who has read this and needsanything, please feel free to drop me a message. I don’t care if it’s to vent, for advice, or just to talk. If any of you ever needs that, I got you. And no matter what I promise that I will not judge you.
Love all you guys,
Guys are not one stereotypeI’m kinda sick of seeing us guys getting stereotyped all into one category. We’re not all douchebags…Yeah, there are allot of them who are. But there are also some great guys out there who aren’t like that, and who would do anything for you. Trust me, I have afew friends like this and they’re some of the greatest guys I know. Hang in there and give us a chance, you might just be surprised. (:
High School Ya know…I was miserable in HS and I’m glad I’m done. No I can’t say I graduated, but ya know what? I’m glad I went through it and ultimately said fuck it because the admins and not the assholes I had to deal with. Because as much shit as I went through, it made me who I am. I’m still working on myself, but when I think about it. I’m happy with how I am. I’m not some douchebag that just tries to get with girls to use them and move to the next. I’m not out partying every weekend with people I hate and talk about behind their backs, and I generally don’t give a fuck about those people and I will tell them that to their faces. I’m no longer afraid to be me and stand up for things that are worth fighting for…If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for, and to that I say…Give em hell.
This one goes out to my friendsHaven’t been really writing on here as much as I use to. But I’ve got some things I would like to say and get out.
One of them is that when I say I’m alone, I mean physically. I’ve kinda been that way the whole life so it’s nothing new, although it does cause me to get down ALLOT. I know I’ve said that no on cares about me, but when I look back it’s like what the fuck am I saying? I honestly have prolly the best friends you could ask for. Although I’ve only actually met one of them once. Those two friends are prolly the reason I’m at where I am today (I’m saying this in a positive way).
I seriously would do anything for either of them. It’s kinda hard to believe I’ve only known them for a little over a year now. Kinda feels like ages, lol. But seriously guys, this one goes out to you. For putting up with my bullshit and actually trying to help me. I know I can be a hardass hardheaded miserable fuck at times. But seriously, thanks for sticking with me. <3
I do know I need to change my outlook on life and the mentality that I have…I know it’s gonna be hard based on the fact I’ve been in the same mindset my whole life. But it’s something I need to do. So if you ever see me slipping into this shit again, please give me the bitch slapping I need. Because I will admit I sure as hell needed that. I’ll stop with that though.
Thanks for everything, I love my friends sisters. <3
Being a loner…The thing about being a loner is that there’s almost no one close enough to you to hurt you…But there is also no one to make you happy either. Whatever mood you’re in, you’re prolly gonna stay in.
I’m sicka being a loner….But who would want me, even as a friend? I mean look at me. I tear myself apart with my mind. Who wants to deal with that? I’ll tell you, no one.
Just me being stupidI don’t even know why I’m here anymore. I’m basically useless. My life consists of working and sitting around here doing next to nothing. I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning anymore. I feel I have no reason to get up…I just want to sleep my life away and quit thinking. I wish I didn’t think, think about how useless I am, and how alone I feel. How I’ll probably always feel like this because I guess that’s how I’m meant to bed. A miserable loner who cares about everyone, but gets next to nothing in return. I’m just a miserable, forever alone, lonely fuck.
I’m tiredTired of living like…this. Every morning I wake up wishing I didn’t. Find it almost impossible to get out of bed. Constantly just wish I could disappear into nothingness. Sick of the suicidal thought that just play in my head again and again. The worst thing…Is the loneliness. Feeling so alone that it isn’t even funny. For me to be alone is to be depressed. Because that is when I think, and sometimes all I can think about is being alone. Alone because I’m worthless, not worth the time or effort. This is my life on a daily basis…I just wish I could find one person worth living for so I could just maybe be happy.
RealizationsToday I realized afew things. One of them is that, friends may come and go throughout your life. Some of them may stay longer than others. I’m sure you all know the friends that have drifted out and back into your lives (you may be thinking of them now). But it’s those who drift back in on their own who are usually the ones to stay. It may be odd, because they may disappear for weeks on end or what have you. But it’s the ones who comeback and you can still talk to and get along with like not a day has passed. Those are the friends to keep. Because although they may have left, they also came back. I’m not talking the friends who come back for help. Simply the ones who come back on their own (sometimes maybe by no reason at all). When that is the case, that means they usually came back for you. Because they missed the friendship. That’s what a true friend is, because although you may have lost touch, they still came back for no reason of their own. Those are the friends to keep.
Another thing I realized tonight, is that you don’t need a significant other to be happy. All you need is good friends and you are set. Also that I need to stop looking for one and just maybe I’ll find her then. It’s not something to be looked for, the people that just happen are usually the ones who stay in your life. That is one thing I’ve learned over the past couple years. So hey, maybe I along with whoever may have actually read this should just think about it. People do drift in and out of peoples lives. Whether it be friends, boyfriends/girlfriends or what have you. But the ones who actually do try to keep in touch are usually the ones that matter. The ones who comeback for selfless reasons are the ones who truly care.
LGBT’s (not sure what to call this rant)Okay, this may get abit wordy…But this is just sad. No should have to go through any of this. I was bullied both verbally and at times physically from about 2nd grade until the end of high school. It’s uncalled for and simply ridiculous. But that is another rant on it’s own…I DON’T CARE what someone’s orientation is, and you shouldn’t either! What gender someone likes? Odds are they don’t “Want your dick.” Or whatever else you may think. Honestly, I use to think like that. Hate me if you want, but I will be honest. That’s how I was raised and brought up. But about last September, actually think the 23rd if I remember right. One of my best friends came out to me that day or there abouts. After that day, I thought about it. If I’m perfectly fine with her being gay…Why not guys? Which brought me to the conclusion it’s stupid of me to think the way I did. Yeah, maybe I don’t want to see 2 guys making out. But in the same aspect, I don’t really wanna see a dude and a chick slobbering all over one another either. Love is love, right? Ever since she came out, that changed my whole perspective on that topic. To boot, about a month or so later my there best friend came out to me and tole me that she was also gay (no they weren’t together). So from then on, I’ve done my best to simply not judge. What did they do to be judged? NOBODY deserves to be judged. If you are going to judge by anything, do it by personality. Because that is the most accurate and least ignorant thing to judge if you must. End of the story, so please do re-blog this. Everybody deserves the right to a good life, make that known.
I’m scaring myself again…So close to just fucking ending it. Why don’t I? Why am I still here? I fucking hate myself, my life. Everyone around here hates me. Why do I even bother. Everyone would be happier and better off without my ass here.
Every time I get to the edge, I ALWAYS manage to take a step back. I wish someone would just push me over the fucking edge so I could quit being miserable. All I do is make others miserable with me. I fucking hate myself. Why can’t I just have a fucking “off” switch? Cuz right now, I feel like I’m self-destructing…
Yup, I’m a failureI’m to the point where I’m going to say fuck summer school, fuck high school, and fuck getting my diploma. I’m so close, but so fucking sick of it. I can’t focus, I get ridiculed by the teachers, like I should be done. I CAN’T DO IT. I sit there for 4 hours straight staring at the same page. It’s not that I’m dumb, I just can’t focus on what I should be doing. It’s fucking useless of me to go. I might as well stay home, and have em kick my ass out. Then I can choose to tell them to fuck themselves, because by the time school would start next year, I’ll be 18.
PS: I’m sure nobody gives a fuck enough to read this, or tothose who have I’m sure you feel you wasted your time. To the I will say I am sorry.
The saying goes ”You’ll never find love, if you do not first love yourself.” But with me, I feel it’s backwards. I’m sick of hating myself. But it’s not something that I can just stop. I’ve tried, but as soon as I get lonely or am just alone at all. It sets back in. If it’s even possible for me to love myself, it won’t be until someone first loves me. Maybe that way I will be able to accept myself. Becauze as of right now, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it.
People So I don’t get why/how people can just expect you to give up on them. Especially when they tell you shortly before, that they are not okay. Then they tell you to just worry about yourself and leave them. I’ve been told I care too much, maybe that’s true. But god help me if you think I’m going to give up. Because it isn’t going to happen, I’m not the kinda person to just leave someone sit in the dark miserable. Everyone needs help at some point. I just wish people would realize when that point is.
Closed Eyes Have you ever wondered what it would be like if people actually knew what you were going through? Instead of everyone just living life with one eye closed. I mean, I’m sick of people telling me and thinking that I’m useless, no good, a waste of space. When in reality they don’t know anything about me or what I’m going through. The demons and mental battles I fight everyday just to still be alive. What’s it going to take? For me to lose one of these battles to finally open up everyones eyes? Everyone judges before they even know what is the truth behind the situation. Whether it be off looks or just how something seems. To everyone outside, yeah maybe I do seem fine. But is it really that hard to tell when someone’s not? I just wish all of this could be done and my chapter could close.
To the people…This is for those people who keep telling me to cheer up and not be such a downer. I’m sorry if I come off that way. Yes, I’m a negative person, and I know that. But I’m sick of everyone telling me I need to change. It’s like it’s never occurred to anyone that I may have tried? Because I have, numerous times. But it’s like when you’re trying to climb somewhere and you just keep falling down. Eventually you break. I feel broken, mentally and emotionally.
If you all knew what it was like to wake up just wishing the day to be over EVERYDAY. Wanting everything you’re going through to be done with so bad, that you seriously think about just pulling the trigger on yourself everyday. I don’t mean “Once I thought about it.” This is my EVERYDAY, yet I manage to hide it. Nobody who knows me has ever heard any of this. Why? Because the last thing I need is all of the people I hate talking about how “crazy” I am. Maybe I am crazy, I often feel like it. Just lashing out at the wall, not caring what happens to it or myself. But that’s the story of my life, I don’t care about myself. I don’t care about my future or what I’m going to do with my life.
There are only a couple things that keep me going. If it wasn’t for music, I’m not sure where I’d be right now. It’s the one thing that puts me in my special place to just tune out everything. It’s like my one true friend, like the only thing that can understand me in a sense. The other is helping people in the same boat as me. Yes, I have helped atleast afew people. But it doesn’t matter, because no matter how many people I have helped, I’m a total hypocrite. Who can’t follow his own advice to be happy…Like I said, story of my life.
I can’t believe it… I can’t believe and don’t understand how someone can completely change when they get into a relationship. One of my best friends for about the past year recently stopped talking to me and seemly cut off all contact with everyone. Won’t answer texts/e-mails, and deleted her Facebook. Like what the fuck? You can’t be serious. One of the few people you think you can trust/rely on and then they pull that shit. I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 weeks? How can people just seemly wake up one day and just tell themselves “I’m never talking to them again.” For no good reason, because I don’t have a fucking clue. All the shit we’ve been through and then just nothing? That’s just a big FUCK YOU to the face. Gotta love it when it ain’t the first time it’s happened. Maybe I’m looking at this wrong…I hope I am. But this is what it seems to all add up to. :/
CaringThis is one part of me which I do not understand at all. I’m to the point in my life where I seriously could care less about everything. My parents, family, school…life. Those things that you’re supposed to care about. Those things seem to mean next to nothing to me. The only people I seem to care about are the few friends I have. And yet, I find myself here on tumblr. Seeing all these sad people going through similar, if not worse things than I am. I even find myself actually trying to talk to them and cheer them up. When I usually can’t even follow the advice I’m giving. “Stay strong, keep your chin up.” Fuck I wish I could listen to myself. Starting to realize how much of a hypocrite I really am….But I can’t help it. I know what it feels like to be that down and low. I also know how it feels to just have those one or two people out of seemingly nowhere drop out of the sky and tell me things will be okay. My positivity lasts not much longer than the conversation usually. But for that split-second, knowing that someone actually gives a damn. It seems to take that hurt away. Which is all I really want to do, help whoever it is out. Even if I can’t help myself…Atleast I know I might have made a difference in someone else’s life, even if it be in the sleightest way. Because for anyone reading this who feels that no one cares or gives a damn about you. I ask you to message me if you would like, talk to me, and then try telling me NO ONE cares about you….Because I will tell you right now I do. <3
HappinessWhat exactly is happiness? Cuz I honestly would like to know….I can’t remember the last time I can say I was happy. Its been that long ago. I’ve just been feeling so overwhelmed with life these past few years. Last night a friend of mine asked me “Do you feel you’ll ever be happy?” I just kinda of sat there not knowing how to respond to the text. Eventually I replied “Allot of the time, no.” Because that’s all I could say. I never really thought about it like that. But I’ve just dealt with so much BS these past few years with depression, school, drama, and just people in general. A part of me actually feels broken.
The only things that seem to get me by are the occasional talks to a friend (she lives far away) and lately just the random people I seem to meet. I am very thankful for my friend, and the people who don’t actually know me, who take the time out of their day to actually talk to me. Because without those little things, I’m not sure where I would be right now. So if any of you are reading this. I would really like to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you. <3
PrideWhen you think about it, pride seems like a stupid thing. Basically the thinking that you are better/stronger/smarter than you really are. I, as a fairly proud person can say this from experience, SWALLOW YOUR FUCKING PRIDE. It seriously will get you nowhere in life. It will only drag you down. I’ve turned down help with many things including school (which I do regret). Simply because I couldn’t stoop myself down to get help. Look where that’s got me…I’ve basically failed out for my regular school (for multiple reasons) and there’s basically no way in hell that I will grad in time. If only I would have swallowed my pride as a freshman/sophomore I more than likely wouldn’t be in this spot I am in now. Sadly, admitting all of this is one thing. For me doing this is a completely different story…
Just Whatever (personal rant)Pretty much describes the past 2-3 years of my life. It seems like I care about less and less everyday. I don’t even want to come out of my room. I hate dealing with the people here. I’m just miserable, just wish there was either a shut-off or reset button in life. I hate myself and like who I am at the same time. Which I didn’t think that was possible. I hate that I feel like I’m a lost cause (which I probably am). The only things I can say I like about myself, are my beliefs and maybe loyalty? But how far does that typically get anyone. If it weren’t for a couple of my friends, I doubt I would even be here anymore. I’m up to my neck in shit, and I’m sicka it. I’ve pretty much stopped caring about school now. Only a week from graduation, but I could honestly give a fuck if I do or don’t anymore. I’m so sick of hearing people talk about it. Then the follow-up question. “What are you gonna do after you’re done with school?” How in the fuck should I know? It’s like “Did you know what you planned on doing for the rest of your life at age 18??” I didn’t fucking think so. I’m so sick of the topic, it bugs me to no end.
Lately, I just feel like I could mentally (and sometimes physically) curl myself up into a ball and just tune everything out. My dad wonders why I sit in my room most of the day. I can actually be somewhat peaceful here. Although, all I can think about are all of the shit that makes me not want to come out of here in the first place…I can’t stand being around my dad, especially when he drinks (aka almost everyday). All it does is spark arguments over the stupidest shit, or things that we just constantly argue about. Which he ALWAYS seems to bring up when he’s had to much to drink. I fucking hate it to no end. That’s why I can’t wait to get out of here. Leave this hick-ass small town and move out of this state. I want/need a fresh start. Away from my family, and just generally the people that know me, or think they do atleast. Where am I going to go? I wish I could say, because right now I do not have a clue in the world. :/
As for school…It’s not looking like I’m going to graduate, on time or at all…I don’t know. School is just another thing that I never cared for nor tried to do well in. I simply put never cared, and still don’t. I don’t see the point in cramming in all of this stupid shit we will never use into our heads just to get some damned sheet of paper saying you can gtfo of the place. Which leads me to another thing. How can people judge you based on a sheet of fucking paper? Yeah if I actually tried and gave a damn about school I could have easily had a +3.0 and thats just assuming I did all the work. Instead of flunking out with somewhere around an accumulative 1.5 GPA (yep, that low). The way society judges people based on these things is so far off. But you know what? Fuck it. I’m just glad to be out. School has been a living hell for me since what, like the first grade? I hate the people, the teachers, the stupid ass stuff the try and teach us. I’m just glad to be done. No more of me getting into fights, dealing with drama, and just alla the other general HS BS.
To the people who actually may have read this, I am kinda surprised. I wasn’t exactly shooting for a rant when I started…But we can all see how that turned out. Sorry
That one friendHave you ever just had that one friend. That when you really look at it, you are almost nothing alike. Yet you can talk to them for hours on end, no matter what the topic. The person you can talk to about anything KNOWING that they won’t judge you in any way. You always feel you can be honest with the person no matter what it is. The one that you simply can’t seem to stay mad at. The friend that would do anything for you, knowing you would do the same for them. The one that actually does care, not by only saying it. But by actually going out of their way and showing it. If one of your friends sounds like this, or has these qualities. Do yourself a favor…DON’T LET THEM GO! Friends like that don’t come around very often, and I am thankful that I have one or maybe two great and amazing friends like this. <3
If life were perfect…there would be no wars.
there would be no hunger.
people wouldn’t judge others based on things they don’t know.
people wouldn’t cheat on someone they “love.”
friends would always be there for you no matter what.
everyone would be happy.
there would be no such thing as being depressed.
you could plan out you’re life how YOU want it, and not others.
there would be no such thing as loneliness.
it would be easy to find someone to happily spend the rest of your life with.
stereotypes wouldn’t exist.
everyone would stop trying to be like others, and simply be themselves.
pointless shootings and stabbings wouldn’t happen.
jealousy wouldn’t get the best of people.
anger would not overwhelm people to the point of doing horrible things.
I could continue this list for hours on end. I will stop here though. The bottom line is, the world is NOT perfect, nor is life. You have to make the best of what you got, and put your best foot forward. Also realize that it is okay to go to people. Whether it be; family, friends, or whatever it may be. To lean on them. It is OKAY to do it, regardless of how you may feel at the time by doing so. Yeah, maybe you may feel like you’re just annoying them or maybe even wasting their time. If they are a true and good friend, they won’t think that of it at all. Most often times than not, they will be glad you did so, so they can try to help. So PLEASE, do so. If you do not have any friends like this and you are reading this. Talk to me if need be, I will not mind. I would sooner take time to get to know and help people. Than having you be miserable or doing something you may regret.
People who THINK they know you…I hate it when people think they know me or just assume things. People like parents, acquaintances, or “friends”. It really gets old. I mean, people automatically think because you act a certain way that they can assume things. Which these things also lead to rumors which I also can’t stand. It’s constantly people judging people. Because of this, I have actually found it is easier to meet/talk to people over the internet. Because there really is no judging. You actually have to talk to the person to find out what they are all about. There is no rumors, no going off of how they talk or dress, or even the other people they may talk to. In some cases, it is actually easier to talk to those people just simply because you KNOW that they can’t judge you based on the past, or whatever it may be. It’s kind of a fresh start if you will. Also I will say that there are people who I have met over the internet that by far know me better than anyone I know in real life. You may think that this is sad, or maybe even pathetic? Who are you to judge?
At times I actually find it kind of amusing of how well someone THINKS they know you. But in all reality it’s a complete 180 from how things really are. The only way one can be that far off is just by assuming. Often times, assumptions may hurt. I’ll be the first to say that they do. In fact I hate them so much. I mean, like I have previously said. I do not/have never had a girlfriend. In fact I’ve never even been on a date. There are many contributions to this, but I won’t go into that again. But long story short there are numerous times I have been asked/told I was gay…I mean, speaking from my point of view that honestly made me feel like shit. No, I doNOTby any means have a problem with people being gay. But when you are straight, and know you are. Then having people say otherwise and they have things that could plead their case. Just makes you want to curl up into a ball psychologically. I am guilty of assuming things about people and judging. But that is only human nature. I hate it when I sit back and think about it. But often when it’s happening, you don’t give it so much as a second thought. I include myself in this when I say…What a shame.
Sleepless nightsIs it just me, or does anybody else find themselves unable to sleep or often time even not want to sleep? This happens to me every night. I can not force myself to sleep. I’m not sure if it’s the feeling that I may miss something (which wouldn’t surprise me, cuz I am like that) or just some other strange reason. Even after I turn off all of my electronics it seems I can not seem to turn off my brain. There are nights when I can just lay in my bed with my eyes closed on hours on end and just can not seem to sleep. It’s like everything just runs through my head. Such ass how my day went, why something happened the way it did, what will tomorrow bring, and so on. Often times I do not get to sleep until 2 or sometimes even 3 o’clock. Even knowing the fact that I have to wake up early (5:45 usually), it doesn’t seem to affect it. Just leads me to wonder why this happens night after night…..
Through my eyes (my first post) I am personally sick of adults and just people saying that I/we as “kids” shouldn’t be as stressed as we are. Saying that we have it easy and shit will only get harder. Really now? I don’t think I speak for myself when I say this but, most people don’t know half of the shit I am and have gone through, the shit I have put myself through. They only look through their own eyes. Because like it or not…We all have demons. We all have things that eat at us and that most people will/have take(n) to the grave with them. I guess this is my shot in the dark to try and get my beliefs out there to more than maybe a select group of friends.
First off, like I said prior. I am sick of adults telling us shit will only get harder and that now we have iit easy. Because last time I checked, us “kids” have a hell of a lot more to worry about and are probably more stressed than most adults. I speak for people in general when I say this. But drama, finals, parents, school, what you’re going to do after school with your life. Worrying about alla that in a matter of just afew years. Sounds allot worse than going to work and doing the same thing day after day. Which in most cases is what these people do that tell us/pound this stuff into our heads. Personally, I would kill for that normality in my life. Instead of trying to predict what may or not happen for the upcoming day. I mean, I don’t even remember what if feels like to be a kid anymore. Even in elementary school, I hated my childhood. I was made fun of, bullied, and just generally left out. I was completely miserable. Why? Because I didn’t fit in at the preppy higher middle-class school that I went to. With growing up like that, I feel it broke me to a point. I don’t think I started standing up for myself until highschool, and this is to what I blame. Looking back this was the time of your life that was supposed to be “the good times”. Before you had to worry about exams, before grades mattered, before everything was gossip and drama. I look back and I see nothing but bad memories, not because I choose to. But because that’s mainly what it consisted of.
Well, no I guess is the part where I will talk about some of my “demons” if you will…To start this I will say that I am extremely shy. Do to this, I do not meet many new people or friends easily. Kinda shocked I have the amazing friends I have now. Anyway, this is not only a public shyness, but especially around girls. I do not know why, but I do hate this fact about myself. Probably the one thing I would change about myself if I could. Do to this it always kind of leads me to wonder if I will ever meet “the one”. Which I hope for my sake I do, but sometimes I do doubt myself when it comes to this. Almost seems to good to be true I guess. For those of you who may ask. No, I have never had a girlfriend. To that I can blame what I stated above, and also a fear of rejection. Which is not how you should look at these things, but when it comes down to it. That’s generally all that gets thought about. It may just be me being negative and having a low self-esteem. I’m not entirely sure. Maybe one day I will get over these things, although at this point it seems unlikely.
Now, here is my question of the day. What is wrong with people in society today? What I mean by this is, I am sick of seeing/hearing about ______ cheated on ______ while they were going out with so and so. I mean, why do people cheat? I personally never could do that to somebody and fuck with them in that way. There is no way in hell I would want that done to me, so why/how can I do that to anyone? And yet it’s constant in society today. On the news, in the paper, and just everywhere you turn. Whether it be celebrities, or people you know just walking down the hallway at school. It makes me sick in so many ways. Which leads me to a related topic. Why is almost every guy a player, or try to be one? Just another thing that pisss me off. Like I said earlier, I could never cheat. So I don’t get how some guys can just make a game of it. I do have friends that are “players” and you know who you are. I hate it, and I think the majority of them do too. But to you I ask, how would you feel if you went out with a girl that you fell head-over-heels for. Then you learned they cheated on you multiple times with numerous guys? I mean, that kinda shit can seriously fuck with peoples heads. Its just something you shouldn’t do. I’m not saying that women don’t do the same, but it is more often than not that men make a game of it. After all…If you’re dating a whore, you would probably know it at that point.
The last thing I want to say here is please, before you judge somebody, get to know what they are about before doing so. I for one don’t feel people give me a chance. I automatically feel I’ve been judged before I hardly even get to say a word. Which with me already puts me at odds. Because as I said, I am shy and am not exactly easy to open up as is. After all, there are always bad things people can say and talk about freely at times. But you can usually multiply the pain and suffering by 10 with the things they do not say.
If you read this to its entirety, thank you.
PS: If you wish to respond, you can message me or leave a comment below. Thank you